I do not belong in this place of limiting dreams and secret controls. I need to be where creativity and passion reign. But how? With small steps? No, with giant ones that scream GO before your life becomes more common place.
But what of you?
You have chosen your path. In your search for freedom you have found a new prison. Not I. Not I. I broke free. I would rather burn out like a star from orbit barreling to earth than live a life of mediocre. A life pretending to be living.
I know the answer. I know why there is no other like you and I. We burned with full intensity from day one. Beautiful and destructive.
Although, now I am fairly certain I have been holding onto something that is not real. “I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn’t, not really.”
I have held on so tightly to:
every moment I jumped into your arms
every “say I’m a bird, say it” “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird” moment
every love note and note asking me to be the mommy of little creatures hidden in the glove box
every “the male courts the female for mating season” moment
everything that was magical, everything that burned so brightly its warmth was felt by all those around.
But, I know all the dark and sullen places just as well although I choose to try and forget.
I burden myself with the thoughts of why with such a fiery love we couldn’t figure it out. Why did we have to be the love story that ends in tragedy? I don’t want common. I want fire. I want a person that makes me burn brighter than the sun and I him.
Balance. All things in nature need balance. Fire needs water. Sometimes I think we could find that balance.
But, last I saw you, you had changed. Love was removed and lust had moved in.
I know we could have been just like Noah and Allie if only you had taken the time to find yourself. The things I have learned by having time to myself. But instead you are eating pink cakes smiling in goofy pictures where your uncomfortability is almost audible.
I may be wrong. I am probably wrong. For I have held on to tightly to the idea of you and I. “I thought I understood it…”
I feel as though I am so filled with questions these days.
I have been thinking a lot of the last lines of Charles Bukowski quote, “The less I needed the better I felt”.
Is it better to be self contained?
To seek what one needs in ones self alone?
In some ways I think, yes. If we don’t expect anything of others we can never be let down. We can never be hurt.
I think it can be easy to close off, to recede to the confines of our safe haven. Inside to the person we should know best. The person we should trust implicitly over anyone else. Our self.
But how well do we always know ourselves?
And if we don’t put ourselves out there to be open, will we miss out in the end? I think, yes.
Being open is such a fragile thing. I was told recently that despite me trying to protect myself it is obvious I hadn’t protected myself at all. Here I was, still hurting. So what good had it done?
Self preservation. We learn early on that we have to do all that we can to survive. Unfortunately, sometimes that includes trusting the only person who has gotten us where we are today, our self.
Life is full of lessons; but as I said today, I am so tired of learning the unpleasant lessons of life.
So, what is my final answer to my questions, and to this quote?
To live with love and remind myself everyday of this. We will all be hurt in life but I would rather someone else hurt me than to feel I could have possibly had a hand in how they hurt me.
Some say you get back what you put out, and sometimes we don’t realize what we put out because the love we have within is masked by fear.
So, I am beginning to live my life without fears. Of course they creep in, but I remind myself whatever will be, will be, and all things are revealed in due time.
Be watchful but fearless, guiding your way with the light of love.
I begin to think of my youth and how words came to me like the gradation of light and shadows stretched out across sea, expected; an extension of my thoughts and more importantly of myself. I have lost my voice for so very long. There are times when words simply aren’t enough. Is it because I have stripped their power? I have felt my thoughts, felt their intensity, their sadness at times. I have allowed the words of others to be felt as though a knife stroke each letter into my soul.
And now, now I am in search of my own words; finding them and then losing them, like the crashing of waves to the shore. They push and then pull, battering my body, flooding my being. Grasping the shoreline as each wave returns and then recedes. I long for the moment when the waves are like a renewal, a cleansing; to when my sea becomes a world of wonderment and love, not fear and destruction. And slowly my sea begins to calm.
How is it that a feeling of entrapment is always looming. It’s almost as though trying to escape the feeling of being captured is a cage in it’s self. Where does this fear stem from? It’s almost as though I feel my creativity and exploration will be stolen, my life, my happiness, will be stolen. I haven’t quite figured out why I feel that way.
As many things as I have deciphered on my own, I certainly wish I could unwind this conundrum. I know what I feel. I just don’t know why it is I feel that way.
Could it be I have imagined this life, this joined world, in such a way that I will never feel free with another person? I’m almost scared that this fear will prevent me from being happy, so, I try and ignore my impending fears.
Maybe, the real issue is that I am afraid of being happy? Maybe, I have grown so accustom to tears and sorrow that although I have been trapped by sadness for so long, happiness feels just as trapping? To be honest, I am not quite sure I know what true happiness feels like with a person anymore. Memories of laughter fill my head but there is a difference in moments of happiness and being happy.
If I am honest with myself, I know it stems from these things as well as the past. It’s interesting how our past becomes a filter for the rest of our lives.
I’m not sure what the answer is. So, I will continue to try and answer it in due time.
“We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.”
Almost a year ago I compiled a list of lessons I had learned and good things that came from those lessons. I looked back on that list today and realized many of these lessons I had to re-learn again this year, particularly pertaining to lessons dealing with matters of the heart.
Here is the list from last year:
I think we all experience things for a reason, or at least I hope so.
I have finally closed a chapter in my life that began just over a year ago. It has been simultaneously one of the best and worst years of my life, oddly enough the bad experiences spurred many of the good experiences.
The things I have learned:
-“To be able to move on, one has to learn to forgive not only the person (or people) who have done one wrong but also oneself”
-Never trust a true salesman
-Don’t buy the hype, it is never as good as someone wants you to think.
-Don’t allow your own coping mechanisms of dealing with pain and hurt lead you down a very wrong path. In the end you will only be hurt more.
-Don’t compromise yourself.
-People lie. If the lie meter is going off, walk away.
-If you spend your time being more concerned with others needs and feelings, you will ultimately neglect your own needs.
-There are people in this world that are just not worth the time or effort.
-You can’t change the truth.
-Follow your intuition, instinct and consciousness-without arguing with it through your emotions.
-Learn from it and grow.
-I doesn’t matter how much you know about a subject or something, feelings interfere with what you know.
-Don’t waste time on what you know is not right for you.
The good that came from the bad:
-I got back into modeling, whether I am great at it or not, it has allowed me to meet some of the most amazing people. All of which, whether I am close to or not, I am glad I met and know.
-Some of those people have become amazing friends I will cherish forever. You know who you are.
-I have realized a lot about myself, and am still discovering new things each day.
-I feel I am finally on the road to putting my needs and wants before that of others, appropriately.
-I have grown closer to friends who were already close.
-I have gained life experiences that have taught me many lessons.
-I began drawing again. I relinquished my prejudices on painting; and learned something new.
-I have grown closer to my mom.
-I have a new and amazing job that I am passionate about, and where the environment is full of people who truly care for other individuals.
What I have learned or re-learned this year:
-You can’t save people, you can’t change people. We only become more fully who we are as we age for the good and the bad.
-Sometimes what we perceive as the cause of our emotional pain is really only a remembrance of what the true pain is in fact. It’s important to be able to go back through introspection and decipher the real problem, and address it. With knowledge there must be action to prevent history from repeating its self.
-You have to let go of the past to be able to move forward. If pain lies in your past you must look to the future for happiness.
-Several years ago when I was still in college an older married woman said to me during one of our conversations regarding the pain of relationships that I needed to be with someone who treated me like a princess. At the time I disregarded her statement not truly understanding what she meant and taking it only at face value. It wasn’t until recently that I finally understood what she meant and it took having someone treat me like a princess. My understanding of what she meant now was that you need to be with someone who cares enough about you to always make you feel special. ————This is fleeting. I learned that also. You are always a princess in the beginning. The beginning is not forever.
-So that leads me to my next lesson, you have to open your heart up to love again even if you have been hurt because you deserve to be happy. Sometimes happiness and feeling special is as simple as someone taking just a few quick moments to call you and sing, Always look on the bright side of life by Monty Python.
-Happiness is truly important in life. You cannot live a life of sadness just because of a love story. Be grateful for the beauty you had in that love, those special moments, those silly moments. Honor them but remember as well why you are where you are and who that has made you. Sometimes love can be a combustion, beautiful and deadly all in the same breath.
I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I am looking forward to possibly finding lasting happiness and eventually love with someone who makes me feel like a princess in his world. Although, that doesn’t mean I will ever forget the roller coaster love I had for so many years, and the past two days have shown me that the past is closer to the surface than we sometimes realize. A year can quickly seem like merely minutes. Your past becomes apart of who you are, and I will carry my past always as a badge of honor, a badge of beauty, a badge of pain, a badge that is permanently sewn onto my heart. Although, I refuse to let my past block me from my future.